The Gouge for Military Personnel

Military Widow: A Survival Guide was written for the military widow, but it was also written for you: the unit leader, casualty assistance officer, chaplain, medical personnel, or military service member who comes in contact with the family of a fallen warrior. You’re not a trained therapist or psychologist; you are a military service member, called to perform the toughest duty of your career.

Working with a surviving military family is an emotionally charged experience, for both the family and the service member. It’s most likely new territory for you.

Maybe you’ve taken the casualty assistance training, watched the videos, and studied the procedures. Yet, you wish you had more training and more guidance. You want to do it right – for your fallen comrade, his or her family, and the uniform you wear.

As a supplement to your casualty assistance training, here’s how Military Widow: A Survival Guide can help you to prepare for and execute the casualty process.

Before Notification

There’s important information you should know about a military death and how it affects the survivors before you talk with a family whose loved one has died in the line of duty. Take a few minutes and read the following chapters. You’ll be grateful you did.

• Chapter 1: The ultimate sacrifice
  

  Become familiar with what it’s like to be on ‘the other side of the door.’

• Chapter 5: The unique culture of the military
  

  Recognize that the military culture, with all of its rules, regulations, honors and traditions, can weigh heavily on a surviving military family.

• Chapter 6: Types of death: anticipated versus sudden
  

  Learn why a sudden and traumatic death is harder for the family to believe and accept as true.

• Chapter 8: Common grief responses to losing your husband
  

  Be prepared for the range of initial reactions you can expect, not only from a widow, but from any family member who’s been notified of the sudden death of a loved one.

Working with a Surviving Family

Working with a surviving military family can be incredibly difficult and equally as rewarding. It will most likely affect you in ways you never thought of, and it has sometimes been described as a life-changing experience. Keep in mind that death has a way of pushing buttons in everyone involved, and no one is immune from the cyclone of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that a military death unleashes.

Given who you are, the importance of the job you have to do, and the significance of the uniform you wear, you strive to do it perfectly, wanting to say and do the right things. Here are more chapters that are a ‘must-read’ for you:

• Appendix A: How you can help the military widow
  

  Scrutinize the twenty-five item list of ways you and your unit can help military survivors from initial assistance, through the funeral and memorial services, to ongoing help.

• Chapter 16: Dumb things people say
  

  Learn what to say and what to avoid, and how even well-meaning remarks can upset a surviving family.

• Chapter 14: The military takes care of its own
  

  Discover how the often-used phrase ‘The military takes care of its own’ takes on a new meaning to the widow, and how and why she often get her feelings hurt because of it.