Insights for Families & Friends

Military Widow: A Survival Guide was written for the military widow, but it was also written for you: the parent, in-law, relative or friend of one of America’s fallen warriors.

This book can help you if:

• You’re personally connected to the widow
• You’re dealing with your own feelings about the service member’s death
• You want to help, but are feeling helpless
• You don’t know what to do, and are afraid of doing the wrong thing

Perhaps you knew the service member and are personally connected to his widow. You’re trying to accept the death, but it’s not going too well, so you put aside your own feelings and focus on her. You don’t know how to help her, and you feel helpless and frustrated.

Understanding the Military Widow

Military Widow: A Survival Guide can help you understand military widowhood from the widow’s perspective. Military grief is complex, for a military death often has circumstances not normally found in the civilian world. A military death is most likely unexpected, potentially traumatic, possibly in another country, publicized by the media, and enveloped in the commitment to duty and country. Military widows are young, often with young families, and are living at a duty station, far away from family and long-time friends.

To help you to better understand what the loss of the service member means to the young widow, and what she contends with from this point forward in her life, read these sections:

• Part One: Life and death in the military

  Become aware of what it’s like to be on ‘the other side of the door’ when somber-looking military personnel show up on your doorstep.

• Part Two: Military grief is complex

Behaviors to Watch Out For

When we think of a person who has lost a loved one, we immediately picture an emotional person, one who is crying, and looks lost and forlorn. This is what we envision grief to look like. The truth is, grief has many different sides, and can affect every thought, action, and response a person makes. To help a military widow, you need to be able to recognize the different types of grief, and well as its different components. Read the following chapters in Military Widow: A Survival Guide, and learn what behaviors to watch out for in the military widow and, sometimes in yourself, as you both come to terms with the loss of the fallen warrior.

• Chapter 8: Common grief responses to losing your husband

  Become familiar with the six components of grief and find out what harmful behaviors to watch out for in the new widow.

• Chapter 10: Am I going crazy?

  Learn what traumatic grief is, and how it affects a person; the many secondary losses associated with military widowhood, and the different types of grief avoidance. Review the criteria for depression.

• Chapter 11: Thoughts of suicide

  Become aware of the signs of suicidal behavior and what to do if you see them in a military widow.

• Chapter 12: Deployment-delayed grief

  Understand how a deployment impacts the acceptance of a military death, especially if the service member is killed on deployment.

How you can help

For many young widows, the death of their spouse may be their first encounter with the death of a family member. How you help a young widow differs greatly from how you help an older widow. Here are some chapters that can better prepare you to offer effective help and assistance:

• Chapter 15: Dealing with the kids

  Find out how kids deal with death, what you can do to help, and what behaviors you should be on the look out for.

• Chapter 16: Dumb things people say

  In this light-hearted chapter, discover some of the dumb things that have been said to widows and learn what they would like to say in return!

• Appendix A: How you can help the military widow

  Check out the list of useful things you can do for the new widow from the time she is notified through the first year of widowhood.