Military Widow: A Survival Guide

Excellent resource for military widows and more

I’ve read over a dozen books to help me in my journey through grief, and none are as succinct and clear as Joanne Steen’s ‘Military Widow: A Survival Guide.’

The chapters are short, the coverage is excellent, and the “lessons learned from other military widows stand out. Every word was written with the care of someone who has lived through the pain.

Many of the “lessons learned in this book can help non-military widows and widowers. It helped me. I believe this book can even help non-widows understand the terrible burden of the military widow.

Part one: “Life and Death in the military, bring us into the diverse lives of widows in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and the Coast Guard. Military widowhood (and the focus is on the widow) is especially difficult. Joanne understands: “Protecting America does have its price, and for me, it was my husband’s life.

Part Two is entitled: “Military grief is complex.” It’s usually associated with young widowhood, far from family and home towns. The circumstances of military death, when they died for a cause, when bodies are unavailable, when the mission is classified, makes things more difficult. The publicity around the death, as well as the funeral, often forces the military widow into the public eye.

Military widowhood comes without warning. Part Three: “When your husband dies suddenly,” contrasts the circumstances of anticipated and sudden deaths. It dispels popular notions on how we should grieve. It encourages us to do the grief work necessary to move forward in the lives we never wanted. It describes how counseling and getting together with other widows can validate our feelings, with the experience of others. Special military grief issues include delays related to deployment.

As described in Part Four, widowhood is “The unplanned trip through living hell. In most cases, connections to your husband’s unit change. Children grieve in different ways. Too many people tell us dumb things (and the book includes interesting answers). It addresses some of the “God issues, it provides warnings about inappropriate advances and identity theft.

Part Five, “Difficult decisions, describes the need for financial planning, encourages stability in living arrangements (after base housing), as well as common-sense advice on medals and mementos.

“Everyday coping, the subject of Part Six, examines how to handle significant dates (as well as the time beforehand), widow humor, staying healthy, in-laws, ex-wives and stepchildren, if and when to date again (as well as the reactions of others), how we change, as well as planning for emergencies.

Appendix A includes a list of practical tips for helping the military widow – in the short and long term. Appendix B adds a list of organizations which can help in various ways.

Disclaimer: I’ve been a widower for just over four years. I’ve seen Joanne’s work with military widows (and other widowed people like myself) first hand. After my Nancy died, she was the first widow who helped me. She has put the best of her wisdom and hard-earned experience in this book.

Book review, “Tietack”